FANCY Rants – A must read ‘Letter to Diva Dearest’

September 5, 2011 at 3:03 pm. Posted by: Ifeanyi Dike JR

Diva Dearest,



As I drive home, my mind is constantly hoping you are asleep. I cannot withstand another moonlight argument. I would rather not quicken my heart tonight, I just want to go to sleep and wake up for work in the morning unnoticed- if possible.



Don’t bother about dinner; I already bought myself some food. How can I forget to? I’ve been doing it for months now. I remember the night you told me to get my own dinner. “I already did my nails, how do you expect me to hold a knife?” you said. I really didn’t care that you weren’t an excellent cook; it’s that you didn’t even want to try, that is what bothered me. You sent the cook away, and you still haven’t found the time to employ a new one. Contrary to what you think, not everyone can survive on lime and water as you do. A meal every now and then, whether you cooked or ordered it would be nice. But not to worry, tonight, I bought myself some food like you said.



I hope you remembered to feed our son–that poor boy. Last week, the nanny didn’t arrive on time. You said you couldn’t wash his bum. “I can’t touch shit, its baby wipes or nothing!” were your exact words. How long did it take to find the wipes? Oh yeah…30minutes! After all, that’s not so long, is it? I wonder what would have happened if there were no more wipes.



I better not forget my allergy medication tonight. I cannot afford another congested chest. I will put it on my to-do list- “buy a new vacuum cleaner”. That is the only way you know how to clean, right? “Be-grateful“ you say. At least you sweep. What are machines for anyway? But since the vacuum cleaner got bad last week, you haven’t swept. The dust is driving me crazy, and you know I’m allergic. I have given you money to replace it but you still haven’t found the time between gossiping and drinking. I will be in serious trouble if I don’t find my pills, because I know you cannot walk to the drug store. “My shoes aren’t made for walking!” you said. Those same shoes you broke my bank account to buy. You were ready to let hell loose that day if I didn’t allow you get the shoes. “All the diva’s these days have got a pair!” you said. You didn’t tell me then that the shoes weren’t made for walking. Of what use is a shoe you cannot walk in?




Never mind, I would have Jim get the drugs on his way over tomorrow. That reminds me, I have decided that this is the last time I will address this issue. When my friends come over, the way you act has to change. I appreciate that you can be one of the boys and hold your own with tequila shots but I disapprove of the way you flirt with them. It embarrasses me. Honey, in case you don’t know, they talk about it all the time and they aren’t enticed, they are disgusted and the same goes for me.





Besides your drinking ability is no longer interesting, it has become old. Now all you do is drink and pretend to be cleaning along side. Don’t worry about the chores, what do we have a help for? I would prefer you got a job instead. I really am getting tired of paying for those fancy jewelleries. You say you are into fashion, is there no job opening for you somewhere fashionable. Or when you say you’re into fashion you mean all you do is buy fashion items. You never contribute, all you do is acquire, and with my money.



It makes perfect sense now. When I married you, I was attracted to your taste in fashion. Your poise was like no-one’s I had ever come across. You could do no wrong in my eyes. I especially loved that you had eyes for the better things in life. What I did not know was that you had no aspirations. All you wanted to do was stay home and drink. You blame our son for your drinking. “He ruined my body!” you say. “Alcohol is the only way I can fight the depression”. At this rate, I’m sure we won’t have any other kids. Our boy is a blessing and if you could just stop resenting him, maybe you would see it too. That there are more important things in life than your red bottom shoes and your diamond rings. There is love and if you don’t have that, then you have nothing.





When you come home one day and see your belongings neatly packed on the front porch and discover that your keys can no longer open the locks, know that this means I have kicked you out.



With Love,


Your Husband.



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